Thursday, December 31, 2009

No Chance To Be A Friend

She'd be the best friend in the world- loyal, kind, always up for whatever you are, if only you gave her a chance.

Sadly, no one does.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

We're Going Down

You ask why should we, because everyone knows we're going to fail.

I ask why not, because we might just change the world while trying.

Gold-Rimmed Pedestal

I put you on so high a pedestal that you'd need a fire ladder to get you down.

But then the fire ladder came, along with the fire truck, the fire men, the police sirens, and a flagman to wave you down.

Sunday, December 27, 2009


Why is it we blame others for our own mistakes, but blame ourselves for everything out of our control?

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Crossing Fingers for a Fairytale Ending

I'm crossing my fingers, as if waiting for the letter and number in Bingo that will have me winning it all.

B14. B14. B14.

Fairytale ending. Fairytale ending. Fairytale ending.

Cost of Choice

There's always a choice.

It's just the price that differs.

Realizing Your Faults

Life is made up of choices. Mostly yours. It's always a good time to realize just how much of your things-gone-wrong is really your fault, and start owning up to it.

Birthday Wish

Last year, my only wish was for you to live for my birthday.

Now a year has past, and though you kept your promise valiantly, I realize that I still must go through a birthday without you.

Pathetic Fallacy

There's something in me that wants to defy the sky. It wants me to wear yellow on an overcast day, make everyone laugh on a rainy one, and sleep through class on a sunny day.

I don't know what that part of me goes on. I can't even contemplate why, but a simple answer is that I am the way I am, and this kind of stuff is normal for me.

And yet, maybe there is a reason. Maybe that part of me wants to defy everything I've read, to prove to itself and myself that life doesn't have to be ruled by pathetic fallacies.

Friday, December 25, 2009


Hush, because I find myself and what I have to say more important than you.

Happy Ending

All these stories, all these lies. All because everyone wants some kind of happy ending, and making them up now is better than not having any at all.

Holiday Spirit

The rain falls down; it should be snow, but it seems the sky isn't feeling the holiday spirit. But that's okay, because she doesn't blame it. Though the festive lights shine bright, it still doesn't seem like Christmas, even with the presents opened of their wrapping.

Christmas was supposed to be bright, cheerful. No fighting, no yelling, no scolding.

Holiday spirit was all around, but what good was that when it couldn't penetrate? When it couldn't step over the threshold with a merry "Ho! Ho! Ho!" and lighten up everything inside?

None. None at all.

And maybe that was what made up the center of the dark, cold knot in her stomach- that there was all this spirit, but none wanted to keep her company.

The Yearly Christmas

Before the presents are even handed out, the first fight-of-the-day breaks out. There's screaming, crying, yelling, pleading, accusing.

Ah, Christmas! At least it's consistent.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

I'll Keep Trying to Make You All Happy

Oh it is poison, this greed, this need  to make others happy.

When comes the time when making others happy to make yourself happy begins to strangle you?

Monday, December 21, 2009

I (heart) My Dad

They'll all laugh and say its not true.

But I love you dad, the one and only you.

The Forgotten Importance

It's the things you promise to remember forever that fade and are forgotten.

And its the things that seem so insignificant that stick strong, calling out to you forevermore.

The Cold

It's snowing out, but it's not cold. I have to wonder if it is because I am warm that I cannot feel the cold, or if I'm just so much colder than it.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Flow of Tears

Why do the tears continue to come after I've finally cleaned the sting of them from my eyes? It is as if they are repenting for my dismissal of them.

I wish they'd stop, so I could begin to move on.

Thursday, December 17, 2009


Sometimes the smallest of things need the biggest of thanks. Once I was told that the reason why we wave to drivers who let us cut in or pass is that if we don't, the person might feel their action was unacknowledged, and may not do something as nice again.

Small things lead to the big things. How can we get anywhere if we don't thank the person who switched washed clothes to the dryer in the middle of the night so we'd have clothes the next day,or when our parents consider a new coat, but deny it for the reason of it not being enough protection against the cold, or when they bring a hot chocolate for you when it is chilly outside?

It's not just about saying thanks for the big things, sometimes its the itty-bitty things that you might not even see. The things that make up the basis of our lives, even if we don't realize it.

The Things We Miss

We pass millions of things every day, and most of them we don't notice. We don't notice the slight details on a fallen leaf, or the amazing grace of a bumblebee. Maybe once we did, in that far off place where we hadn't needed to rush to anything. Not anymore. And so the millions of things we pass without noticing remain as so- simple things. Until someone notices it. Then it becomes something else, something new, something with a purpose and a name.

Give a thing attention, give it the magic to be more than it seems to everyone else.


You shine. You shine like the stars, the moon, the sun.

So how is it you cannot see your light, as bright as it is?

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Last Christmas

Last Christmas, I thought maybe, just maybe, you'd be the one to break the three-year curse. I had my doubts, sure I did, but I had my hope too, which I didn't have for anyone else.

Maybe it was just a pipe dream. A vain try at changing that which is set.

And maybe I'm the poison, for it seems the only constants in this curse are my eventual loneliness, and your disintegration.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Maybe it's Time to Be Other People

It's okay for you to try out other people, stretch your limits, test out a new character in a new plot in a new world. Just remember, you are who you are, and one day you will have to return to yourself. Yourself will remember your dances with other persona, the tricks you did, the thoughts that ran through your head. Just be careful to make sure you will be able to return in one piece, that the memories you have from being other people don't turn into nightmares. You may only be other people for a short time, but yourself is forever with you.

Sunday, December 13, 2009


I keep on hoping, every time I go around those rats, mice, and rabbits I desperately want to hold, that I am no longer allergic to them. I wonder every time I see a piece of watermelon I truly want to taste, if my throat will still close if I take a bite of it. I dream of a summer that I will be able to roll in the fields and not worry of itchy eyes and runny noses.

But I don't think I'll ever be able to do these things. And I realize I'll never be able to be with you.

You are the allergen.You can kill me, suffocate me in my sleep. I need to stay away from you. But you make it ever so hard, and I'm sorely tempted to risk it all.

Misplaced Names

If you'd just listen to what I'd say, maybe you'd realize that all those names you've called me are all wrong.

And that maybe all those names you've called yourself were really meant for me.

And as for those lost words not applying to me? Maybe you should adopt them. They'd suit you better.


And if you must, sleep near your nightlight tonight. Then you know that, no matter what day it is, no matter what time it is, you will wake to the bright.


Where's the light in the deep dark room?

It's there, do not panic, do not doubt. Where there is shadow, there must be light. It just might take some good, hard looking to find it.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Different Fairytales

You can live in your fairytale of stinging alcoholics and smoky drugs, and I'll live in mine made up of nothing but my imagination and my secret wishes.

We'll see who comes out better for it.

Watch Sare surpass us both.

Call Me When You're Sober

I am not mad at you. You may do with your life what you will, as long as you do not try dragging me down with you. Talk to me when you're sober in all sense of the word, because I don't want to talk to someone who's words are slurred and misspelled. Not when they were once my friend, my sister.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Another Stone already Cast into the Sea

It didn't take me long to figure out I can't trust you anymore.

What took me so long was to realize that I never trusted you in the first place.

My Suspicions

Stop telling me that I don't know what I'm talking about, that I'm just paranoid. Stop messing with my mind, making me doubt myself instead of you.

I already know the answer, I don't need you to confirm it. Your protests won't save you now. I see right through your brightly colored mask, and I know what I see is true, even if I'm the only one who does.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Dial Tone

You don't realize it now, and I don't really expect you to.

But one day, one day real soon, when you call you'll just get the answering machine. And I'll never seem to be around to return your calls.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Falling, Falling... Ground.

I fell off a horse last night. Jake (or as I call him, Bun-Bun [do not ask why]). He's a meanie, but still a good horse. I was bareback riding him, trotting, and lost my balance after getting too confident (I seriously thought I was doing good). Right in front of my mom too.

Apparently I pitched forward and grabbed onto Jake's neck, then slid off onto the ground. Jake is a good boy, and I can prove this as he stopped immediately when I fell (or before, as Sare thinks that it was him slowing down when I lost my balance that helped me fall).

He didn't trample me, which was great, honestly. And I was still holding onto his reins so I'm sure if he kept going, I'd have dragged along. When I was on the floor of the arena, I barely knew what happened. I can see the picture above happening to me.

Got right back on him though, which probably scared my mom even more.

The Real World Dating

Where to start? Where to start? At the beginning, you say? Well, there's not really a beginning, just a few events. The first event then? Sure, sure.(I decided to split this into two posts, since one event is totally unrelated lol)

So Rae, Sare and I were waiting for our parents to get into the car so we could head off to riding. Rae told us of the blue-contacts boy that keeps asking her out and his newest try at it. Sare commented that it was odd to ask someone out to dinner, to which Rae and I responded with a curious look and the same response; "That's what happens normally, actually."

We meant out of high school, of course. A good difference between high school and the "real world"- "Going out" is different than "Going steady" and one tends to ask for a few dates before one becomes exclusive. Or so we've heard, since we're not yet out of high school (just wait! Nearly half a year!)

So we had a long conversation on this topic.

Today, after having an... interesting time at the bakery, I waited in the bus shelter. I had rushed out of the house this morning unable to find many important things; my coat, my hat (part of the uniform of the bakery), and my Oryx and Crake book. I'd have to do without them (I borrowed one of the spare hats without anyone noticing, though it was a close call). So, in freezing temperatures, I was, well, "As cold as the north pole, heck, I could BE the north pole" (as I told Sare this morning).

Usually I can wait alone, as everyone gets on the bus that comes just before I'm allowed to leave. Today, a guy came in after me and stood at the opposite end of the shelter (by the opening), and he was followed by an older man.

"Excuse me," said the older man. I'm zoned out and so it takes a moment to realize he wants to sit down, and I'm partially blocking the way. Whoops.

"Thank you. Cold, isn't it?" He continues. I smile and nod.

"Very cold." I reply.

The other guy speaks up- college/university student, perhaps. Or maybe a little older. Going the wrong way from the nearest University though, as the Uni bus we're all waiting for (or any of the three other buses that come about, really) are going East, not West.

"Unless you have a coffee, then you're warm."

I smile slightly, I'm facing out, kind of away from both of them though, towards where the bus will be coming in too long of a time. It's always awkward at bus stops when others are around.

"I had a Timmies coffee earlier this morning," says the older man. The conversation dies. After a long bout of silence, the bus is in view, turning off the University street. I do not wish to squeeze past these two fellows, so I wait until the older man decides its time to get up (as the bus is at a red light). When he is gone, I wait a second more for I have no coat and it will still be a good minute before the bus arrives. When I do attempt to leave, the maybe-college/uni-student stops me.

"Excuse me, I was wondering if you have a boyfriend?" He asks. This throws me for a loop, though I have a suspicion of what comes next, but that's at the back of my mind and has to go through mid-morning traffic to get to the front.

"Um... no." I reply.

"I was wondering if you wanted to go out some time," he asks me. Again, I pause because I don't know what to say. I'm shocked. Many thoughts are colliding- "Oh my gosh, this is a strange coincidence D:", "Imagine if I did! I wonder how my parents would react if they ever found out", "Is this seriously happening?", "He seems kind of older. Does he realize I'm only a Senior in high school?", "Ah! My bus is coming!"

So, naturally, I say "no, thank you." and leave. Oh, smooth me. I get on the bus, and he stays in the shelter. I'm wondering if I'm regretting saying no, but I'm pretty good at talking myself out of things like this.

And the responses of incredulous and surprised "Really? You're kidding right? You?" and "Seriously???" from my friends (namely Rae and Sare) go even further to convince me that I made the right choice.

But it made my day. So, guys who are wondering about asking a girl out at a bus stop, you might want to think about introducing yourself (I never even got his name!), but I'm sure that even if you're rejected, you made someone's day. And that tends to be my motivation for many things I do, so that's good.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

The Small Things

I have learned to keep the small, otherwise overlooked things to myself,
because everyone has stolen so many things from me, I'm scared if I draw attention to these things, they'll steal them too.

And then what would I be left with?

Wasted Potential

You have so much, yet you don't realize it. You have the ability to do whatever you ever wanted to do, or help others accomplish the same thing. You have the power to change the world. How can you not realize this potential?

How did you fall to pieces, and not know it? How did you give up so easily and succumb to such temptation? Such stupid temptation?

You always swore you'd never drink away your woes. You always said that you'd never set your life up in a flame and inhale the poison of its destruction. You had such aspirations. Where did those go? How did they lose themselves? Is the sea too deep? Is the smoke too thick?

Why didn't you call for help? Why didn't you tell us, talk to us, speak a word to us? All we wanted to do was help you, and now you are hurting yourself. Not just yourself. Us too. And all those people you could have helped, but now won't, because all of it will go to fueling your sea and your smoke, and you don't even realize it.

Good bye, my friend. Good luck on your sail. Your ship has numerous holes in it, part of me still wishes for you to find them and plug them all.