Sunday, January 31, 2010

Hidden Questions

There's hidden questions in there, and hidden answers too.

You just have to know what you're looking for.

Simple Answers

Remember when answers were simple? Remember when we thought it silly if you were so upset with cheating on someone, but didn't stop? Remember when we thought getting over a fight needed no more than a consensual hug? Remember when we thought you either loved someone, or you didn't?

Remember when there was only one right answer and one wrong answer, and not a billion shades of grey?

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Excited about Nothing

If you're excited about nothing, don't question why. Run with it, because it might be a long time till your e\xcited about something so small.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Twelve Years of Memories are Hard to Erase

It's hard to not think about you when so many things can be connected to twelve years' worth of memories.

But it doesn't mean I want you back.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Who Am I?

Who am I?

I am a princess, no, the Queen of my own castle.

I am the ruler of my own world.

I am a strong individual.

I am noble and kind.

I am a great person.

I am loving.

I am loved.

Who am I?

Anything I want to be.


You say "neutral" as if it's a good thing. Maybe it is for them, they've got all the countries on their side, but me? I'm alone, and no one's about to step up to help me.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Rock What You Got

I'll play strong songs from morning to night.

But when everyone's gone to sleep, and only the owls are awake, I'll play that one sad song on repeat.

Beside the Stars

We're at the level of the streetlights now.

So if we just follow these paths they shine, maybe one day we'll be up beside the stars.

Everything's Place

It's when you lose everything that the memories come flooding back to take everything's place.

Where Does the Blame Go?

If I refuse to take the blame, where does it go?

If you refuse to take the blame too, then what happens to it?

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Noble Lost in the Action

This isn't a story, a novel, a book. Noble actions done to save others in their blindness are not recognized. You are not commemorated when you sacrifice your happiness for someone else's- no one knows what you've sacrificed. No one will notice if the harsh words you say are to keep them from sure danger.

This isn't any fairy tale. They won't realize what you sacrificed, what you did to yourself, what you did for them so that they could succeed.

Doublely Used Band Aids

How can I take your words to heart, to put them on the cracks as Band Aids, if you are giving the same Band Aids to my once-friend? To the girl who made these very fissures?


I know it's not your fault. Because it's mine. It's always mine, and it has never been yours. It will never be yours.

At least, that's what you say.

Crumbled Fairytales

Now I have to wonder if the fairy tales that I've created can hold me up when one of my real-life ones crumbled to pieces.

The Things we Throw Away

It's a new, lighter pack to carry. But there's less people to help carry it.

Turn Up The Music

I'll blare the music into my ears to keep the memories of your voice out.

Twelve Years

Twelve years. Twelve years is good bye.

Another example of forever broken.

Change of Storyline

Once upon a time, there was no Happily Ever After.

Monday, January 25, 2010

I Don't Want To See You Anymore


Because I realize it will just keep raining while you're here

It's Okay To Diverge Sometimes

They never told you that it's okay to end up on the road most traveled by every once in a while. Cutting swaths through the jungle can get tiring every once in a while.

I'll Be Queen If It's Better Than Being Me

Please. I can rule a country, if only you'll take me out of here.

The Star in your Eye

If I was a star, I'd be the star in your eye.

So I could see what you see, and be put down in history as your soul.

Castle on my Ceiling

I look at the castle on my ceiling above my crumpled sheets and wonder why it hasn't gobbled me up already.

Breaking Apart

What do you do when the only thing keeping you together is the knowledge that breaking apart would be impossible at this moment?

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Preparing for Prince Charming

Always brush your teeth, always be able to smile. You never know when you'll fall into another world and trip over your Prince Charming

Side Mirrors

If I focus on the side mirrors, I can imagine that we aren't moving. That we are staying in one place.

The only hint at anything different are the pinpoints of light flashing by in the reflection.

You Can't Hear The Sun

You hear sadness all around. You close your eyes and listen to the rain, the thunder, the wind through the weeping willows.

But it's time for you to open your eyes. You can hear the rain pouring, you tell yourself. How can you know the sun is shining if you can't hear it?

But it's there. The sun is there, and you've just got to open your eyes to see it.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

The Reasons Why

There is always a reason to why I do what I do, to what songs I choose to sing, to which questions I ask. The reasons might be inadequate, but they are still there.

So, just know I am lying when I say I don't know why.

Relying on You

I never realized how much I rely on you until I couldn't stand to call you anymore.


I bite into the square piece of pineapple, and wince inwardly as the citrusy juice runs over my dried, cracked lips.

Had the alternative been available, maybe I would have tempted a bite. But then the alternative would kill me, closing my throat as quickly as it could, and I'd die of asphyxiation.

So the pineapple is worth it- it will only sting my lips. It's flavor is near the same, but at least it isn't out to kill me.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Happy Birthday To Me

And I can't keep it up anymore, I can't keep telling you it's okay as long as you're happy. I can't say that this is the best present I could ask for- your happiness. Because it isn't. There's no happiness for me, nothing at all.

Through and through, it's a bitter Happy Birthday to Me.

A Hole In My Bucket

You turned my heart into liquid, then punctured a hole into my bucket.

What Do You Say?

What do you say to us being together forever?

Or, what do you say to us never seeing each other again?

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Finding What You're [Not] Looking For

What happens if you're actively not looking so that one day what you aren't looking for will fall into your lap?

Does it work? Can it happen?


When you are looking for something, you'll find it.

Even if it's just a temporary placeholder for the real thing.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Suddenly, There's Nothing You Should Be Doing (Yet You Think There Should Be!)


...And they wonder why the stressed get even more stressed when they are un-stressed.


Let's disappear for the weekend. Let's forget everything that needs to be done, the fights we're in the midst of, the words said, the words meant.

Let's take an adventure holiday, and find freedom on the way. Even if it's only temporary.


Sometimes, the greatest moments can't be captured on camera.

Sometimes, those moments will only be believed by those who were actually there.

Those Sometimes can be the most precious of them all.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

The Toll

What if the years that everyone thinks made us stronger really tore us apart? What if the only reason we're still arm in arm is because of habit? What if the only thing keeping us together is the strings we don't dare cut because they'd tear everything apart with us?

And what if it's these strings we can't cut, this habit, these years taking their toll that really makes us friends forever, better sisters there were never?

What if because all of it, we don't fall apart in the end?

The Search For Perfection

The search for perfection is a long, sorrowful road with an unsatisfying end.

Sooner or Later

Don't you realize? Don't you get it? There's never going to be a "good time of the year." There's never going to be a forever, an endless beginning.

Sooner or later, we'll have to say good bye. Sooner or later, we'll not talk to each other.

Sooner or later, you'll have to realize there's no such thing as forever.

You Made Us

They all wonder how the created can turn on the creator. "I made you," is the often uttered phrase.

Yes, you made us. But on the way there, you hurt us and taught us how to hurt, you tore our hearts out and taught us how to be heartless.

Most of all, you changed us from what we once were, whatever we once were, and by doing this, you taught us how to change even more, and how to turn the tables.

You made us, and now we're destroying you.

The Flawed Perfect

Settle for flawed and perfect, not perfect but flawed.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Maybe We Are Too Different

You don't see it. Of course you don't.

But I'm tired of being different, tired of sticking out between you two.

So maybe I should leave you two to enjoy your new hobby of objectifying yourself and go find people more like me.

People I won't be embarrassed to call my friends.

Pinky Promise

We promised never to turn into those girls who reveal everything they've got. We promised never to become objects. We promised never to lower ourselves enough to those girls who care more about how they look than how they are inside.

We promised each other. We crossed pinkies and swore.

I kept mine. Have you kept yours?

Jumping Through Hoops

I don't want to jump through your hoops. I don't want to have to prove myself to you. I don't want to do everything for a little bit of nothing.

And yet you're determined to have me do these things.

Well it won't work. Soon enough you'll have a hoof in the face, and maybe then you'll understand you can't mess with me.

Thursday, January 14, 2010


I've taken to wearing sweaters to bed because it makes me feel as if you're still here, holding me as I sleep.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Just One More Night

Just one more night. Give me just one more night to experience this peace with you, before I have to throw it all away.

Just one more night, then tomorrow I'll try to part with you once again.

Feeling Without You

You made me feel as if I could do anything. You convinced me to feel beautiful outside and in. You made my life feel magical.

Now I have to find a way to make myself feel all these things without you.

The Future

It scares me, this thing we call "the future."

And what scares me more is that I wasn't scared of it before now.

The future used to be simple. What ever happened would happen. And now the very thought of letting things go their own way frightens me.

My breath quickens, and I suddenly want to step back. Step back into the past.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010


Keep your head above water, keep trying to live.

Because there is someone out there that loves you, that's wanting to care for you, to keep you alive.

Bargaining Chips

I'm sitting here on the stairs, lost in the dark and unknown as you barter, trade and steal chips around the table. Minute by minute, you're giving it all away- all that is important to me, without another thought.

The flowers have wilted, the candle burns to its last bit of wick. In one cruel game of dice, I've lost everything ever promised to me.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Fairy Tale Magic

It's the fairy tale ending to all this I'm hoping for.

It's the prince in shining armor that I'm pining for.

It's the riding off into the sunset that I'm dreaming for.

It's the perfect in my imperfect life that I'm wishing for.

And I need it not to fall apart before it begins.

Walls Made Of Paper

Does anyone realize these walls are paper thin?

Or do they all not care if what they say is heard by the world?


If you believe you deserve to be more angry than me, then go ahead.

I'll choose to be happy instead.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Fairy Tale meets Reality

Can one keep going in this reality we live in and be successful without pushing all the fantasy and fairy-tale-ism out to the cold, hard street corner?

Can one be me?

Welcome Back

What did you expect me to say?

"Welcome back!"?

After you've been gone so long? No "Be right backs" no "Good bye, see you laters"

Just silence.

And you expect to be welcomed back?

The Middle

I never knew that between Once Upon A Time and Happily Ever After there's a lot of hard work.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Let's Be Somebodies

Let's go people watch.

Let's watch the somebodies, the millionaires, the Cee Eee Ohs. Then we'll copy how they walk, how they swagger, while laughing and falling over ourselves, making jokes at their expense.

And hope maybe someday, we'll have what it takes to be like them too.

Hurting Me

No, they didn't hurt you. You've said that before. And because they didn't hurt you, you don't care.

But they hurt me, can't you see? They hurt me and I can't not care so easily.


This memory isn't a monster. It's a monkey, doing tricks while taunting me with a banana. I can laugh at this memory, laugh with it, because it is a good memory, and I had a lot of fun. But yet, I feel a deep sadness, because it's what I can't have. It's the past, and I'll not have it back again. Just as I've had a banana before, but I can't have this one now. It's in the hands of the monkey, who's stowing it away in it's stomach, never to be tasted again.

Friday, January 8, 2010

The Edge

The reason I keep toeing the edge is that everyone has given up on trying to stop me.

Will you wrap me in your embrace and take me away from the precipice?



The only thing that keeps me moving on, no matter how many times it fails me terribly.

The only thing besides medicine that gets me to sleep.


A cruel, necessary thing I wish was a guarantee.


I used to think I was invincible. That when someone promised me something, it couldn't be taken back. That everything in the world was fair- if I worked hard, I'd be rewarded justly. That people cared about what was wrong and what was right.

But now everything has been flipped. Promises are feathers in the wind, hard work is overlooked, and wrong and right are replaceable with each other.

It's hard to keep my footing in this topsy-turvy world.


It's when your lessons on defending yourself are turned against you that you know you've been a bad friend.

What I'd Give...

I'd give everything to be you.

And I'd keep everything to be me too.

Does it Hurt?

You'd ask, does it hurt to be left behind in the dust?

Does it hurt to be thrown away for something better, or even something worse?

Does it hurt to be smiled at, then have every thought of you pushed away because you're just not important enough?

Does it hurt to be you?

You'd ask, if you knew how it felt. But you don't, so you assume I'm okay.

Thursday, January 7, 2010


Have you ever tried to step in someone's footprints through a field of nearly-untouched snow? Or how about your father's as you followed his fast and larger feet through forests when you were young? It's quite difficult. The footsteps are not yours, and so you must try to adjust your stride to the length of legs that are not yours, predict the difficulties those before you had to face, match a step two sizes too big to your step two sizes too small.

So forget about following in someone else's footsteps. Create your own. Carve your own path through sand, dirt and snow to your own place of choosing, and your life will follow.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Burnt Gold

You haven't seen me in months. You didn't come for Christmas, or my birthday. You decided you were too busy for us, for me. You cause drama from far away because you can't say anything to our faces. You won't even say sorry to me.

And then you send a card. Decked out in a dull, baby-blue envelope with handwriting displaying my full name but for my mothers, and circling your address with a cloud.

And you expect me to rip it open, don't you? You expect me to forgive you for all you've done, all you're doing. All you've put us all through.

You expect me to set you back upon your once-pedestal.

Unfortunate. No luck for you. That pedestal has been sent to the crematorium. Congratulations, you're burning gold.

Knowing the Future

We wish that we knew the future in the past. But maybe there's a reason for this- maybe the universe knows that we couldn't handle knowing what the future had in store for us before it was upon us.

Fairytale Ending

So, okay, my fairytale ending wasn't sparked by the downtime that was in mid-swing just a year ago. That's okay, it was just a small bump in the road.

But this time- this time will be it. If I just get in enough trouble, enough of a sticky spot, I'm sure my prince will turn up.

He has to. I need my fairytale ending.


I thought I found where I belonged. I was scared to lose it, this paradise. The other masked it's sharp self in silky words, but here? Here the words were rough, the place small, and I thought, Hey, maybe I found my place.

I won't call this paradise sharp, dark, or cruel. It's not, and I know that. But I see that you, the guardian of the paradise gate, don't believe this is where I belong.

So once again, the place where I thought I belonged has been closed to me, while a coy little monster crept in. And I wish you and this place were dark and cruel and sharp, because then that would make this so much easier to accept.

Care About Me

I'm scared to hope, I'm scared to care. But it's always on my mind, your decision is always on my mind.

I know how to make myself care, that's easy. But I don't know how to make you care, and that's what brings me to my knees.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Your Created Perfect

It is a strange feeling when you realize you're competing against something of your own creation.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Words I'd Say

Oh the words I'd say, if only words could be forgiven easily.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Day After Decisions

I wished I could have joined you. That I could be you. That I could go through all those fun-looking actions, and say all those flirty, drink-induced words.

But now that it's the day after, I'm eternally grateful that I don't have the guilty memories you carry, and the decisions you have to make now.

Changed People

The world is spinning for you, but I'm firmly ingrained into my space. I see you all become something different as ethanol warms you up, then cools you down. You become people I don't know, who I don't want to know.

I don't think I'll be drinking for a long long time. And I won't want to go to any of your parties either.

But you know I will, because I can't be left out.

What You Missed

You didn't miss much. You were a part of it all.

You just missed everything important


I'm sitting at one end of the dark room, the opposite side of where it's lit. It's my party, and I should be having fun, but all I'm seeing is everyone getting so wasted that they can't tell what's the floor and what's the couch. And you, who just a half hour ago noticed me sitting back and came to ask why, you're now shooting down shots like the rest of them and can't remember why you're even here.

That this is my birthday. And I'm somehow supposed to be having it all.