Friday, October 23, 2009

Secret of Mine

There's a secret I hold so close to my heart. I cannot tell anyone, yet you all expect me to. How can I tell you when I cannot even tell myself?

I don't know if I'll ever tell anyone. Or if it will get buried under everything else that is bound to come, and that one day I'll be able to think of it without cringing. And maybe, just maybe, I can admit it to myself.

And even after I tell you this (all I can tell you), you ask for more? You still demand to know this secret of mine?

Stop. Stop what you're doing. Go make a mistake that you won't even be able to admit to yourself, then try telling me.

Monday, October 19, 2009

It seems that I'm in a continuous loop.

Friends don't last long here, where I am, in this loop. One walks along, meets a friend, and then the next lap that friend is gone. Disappeared, pushed away, run off. The one friend I can keep by my side seems only to be there out of habit, which is a sad thing to realize, be sure.

Another note of the loop that you must know about it is that there's not much room for more than me plus two to tread. Anyone more and they must walk through the forest on either side, and that means communication is blocked and we only see and join each other in between pines and oaks. Sometimes one will switch in and out with the third of our party (mine and my perma-friend, like perma-frost, I guess), but it will always be three treading side-by-side on the forest loop until the third breaks loose and I'm back at the start, seeing another temporary friend and having them walk arm and arm with myself and my perma-friend until they, too, have walked the loop.

It seems the only one not able to leave the loop is I.

And I'm not the only one to notice this three-thing. My one temp-friend noticed it too, and blamed it, and my "new" temp-friend for our drawing away. The curse of the three, it seems to be. No more than three is allowed. The forest trail is too narrow to hold four.

I want to break off of this forest loop. This cursed trail. I want to be able to have and hold and handle four or more friends, not me plus two.

But four seems too odd, too complex.